[NAME REDACTED]- a story on surviving domestic violence

I am a domestic violence survivor, this is my story, the good, the bad, the love, and hopefully one day the recovery…

I’ve tried to account for things in chronological order.

An Intro

Welcome, this is my story. Survivor, advocate, friend, ex-abuser, psychology student, curious onlooker, whomever you are, you are welcome here. I am hoping to raise awareness with my story.

The Beginning

Let’s start from the beginning I guess….. 2017, I was a single mom, and engineering student, I was living and loving life. I was a little wild, I loved to dance, I loved to be the center of attention, I was unapologetically myself. I had my son at 19, his dad was in and outContinue reading “The Beginning”

After the PFMA

In the aftermath of the first PFMA [L] was charged with I was lost and confused…. I was overwhelmed and then he moved…..and a “fun” story about the one time I went to visit him after he moved.

The night [L] tried to kill me

**TRIGGER WARNING** This is a very graphic account of the worst night of abuse I survived. This is the night I struggle with the most, this is physical violence and can be very disturbing to read to anyone but especially to those who have lived with physical violence in the past. There are other posts where I explain why I stayed and other things without any explanations or depictions of physical violence. See “Trauma Bonding- Why I Stayed” if you would like to know more without the violence.

Trauma Bonding- Why I stayed

An unfinished post: trying to describe in a general way why I went back. In other posts I describe (or will describe) the circumstances around each individual decision and each separate time I went back, but with this I tried to just give a general overview of the similarities and some of the psychology behind why it was so hard to leave each time I did, and why I kept coming back.

[L] Goes Back to Jail for the 3rd time

Admitting my mistakes. To everyone. Finally taking the steps to hopefully save myself before he killed me, I knew if he tried again I wouldn’t survive.

[L]’s 4th and Final Arrest

The last time I spoke to [L] in person. The last arrest before his sentencing and and the last time I ever told him I loved him.

The Sentencing

[L]’s sentencing is a day I will never forget, it is burned into me. I have nightmares about it constantly.

The Healing

103 Quotes- a “love” story

A new writing prompt I wanted to try out to tell my story….. It was supposed to be 100 I made it in 103. Close enough.

Attempts at Not Poetry?

Rough–REALLY REALLY rough ideas just to get the words down…… I’m not sure how I feel but the 103 quotes really got me started thinking about abstract ways to vent my abuse besides just hard to read narratives.

Control is an illusion

I’ve been terrified to write since I gave out the URL to my blog. But tonight after driving all day and being completely exhausted the emotions finally overwhelmed the fear of others reading what I had to say so here it is. It doesn’t go anywhere really, it’s just a brain dump getting back into the motion of writing after not doing so for a while.

Pieces and Bits that don’t belong anywhere in particular

The Blanket

Well, who knew I could relate my entire relationship back to a pair of blankets. I didn’t until I started writing. Some things just trigger memories the good and the bad and apparently for me that’s a pair of F***ing blankets…..

Holidays

Holidays with an abusive Narcissist suck! This is just a compilation of special occasions and holidays that he ruined. A running inventory of events so hopefully I can one day flush them all out of my mind and into one spot and be done with them.

[Beauty]-our first dog

A little bit about our first dog together. Unfortunately she died in an accident, but there are two distinct stories involving her that really were defining moments in [L] and my’s relationship. Looking back on them now still is very hard. I’ll do a post about my two current pups next.

Open Letters to [L]

-I use open letters to work through my current feelings and thoughts. These are in no way ever intended to be sent they are just my open honest thought process at the time they are written. Some may seem a little crazy, but honestly sometimes healing is a little crazy.

EMDR-In case it works

This is a very very mis and under informed letter I wrote about EMDR therapy before I started the process. This was a very scary and manic time in my life when I was living in the deepest dark holes of my PTSD every day. This letter encompasses so much about that period I left it unedited except for the redacted names. It’s ugly and messy. It is in every way chaotic. So is my recovery. Again this is an open letter to my offender with no intent of ever being sent I use these to process my emotions at times surrounding my trauma bonds.

Bravery- an open letter

Letters I’ll never send have become a way of me confronting my abuser in a safe space. I don’t plan on him ever receiving these letters, so they’re a safe space for me to vent my unknown emotions and have a pseudo-connection while I’m still recovering from trauma bonds. This letter explores some changes going on with his status as well as a new found bravery I am clinging to.

To the Other Girl who Loved Him

An open letter to the one person who might understand this better than anyone else…… I also still can’t think about you with out getting upset. But I also am so sorry for how you’ve been affected and I want to acknowledge you are also a victim in all of this.