To the Other Girl who Loved Him

I’m sorry, and I’m not–Let me explain. I am sorry for all of the times he went back to you and hurt you more. I am sorry for all the times I let him and all the times I couldn’t stop him. I am sorry for all the fights where I literally said “Fuck it go back to [A]” and contributed to your broken heart. I’m sorry for all the times I was jealous and hurting and took it out on you (even though you didn’t know it). I am sorry for the times I put you down when talking to him because I thought that would help me feel better, I’m sorry for my insecurity. I am sorry for taking your friend from you even after he wasn’t your lover. I’m sorry for when you did take him back and he said the wrong names, words, whatever and it broke the happiness….. There’s nothing like the knife in my gut from being called “[well you know your nickname]”. This whole situation fucking sucks and I contributed and helped create it and for that I am so sorry. I guess I’m sorry it can’t ever be the same, because I know that realization is the hardest one for me to deal with some days. 

Also, this means absolutely nothing coming from me, I know; but I am proud of you. Make fun of that damn tattoo, laugh about it, joke about it. Put him down on social media, put me down whatever, keep healing. I looked at your social media today, call it morbid curiosity, and everything you post feels a lot like how I still feel about him. I love all of your brave “I’m done with boys”, “I’m worth more than this shit” posts. Even if you’re not brave everyday I’m proud of the days you are. I know how hard they can be to come by so I truly am happy by yours. I laughed out loud and wanted to like so many of your posts because “I feel ya” on a lot of it (and I would take a fucking mint tattoo over this shit anyday). On the days you’re not so brave, the dark days, I’m sorry. I’m the reason he’s not in our lives anymore, and some days I’m really sorry for that. Somedays I feel like I still need him too. All I can hope now is that I made the right decision and kept us both safe.

You more than anyone else can relate to what I went through, in some aspects at least. Being in love with [L] was amazing, when it was amazing…… he could pull either of us back in at a moment’s notice so I assume you know what I do here. I probably don’t need to go into detail because when it was great it was great, and when it came crashing down it fell hard. He always had one of us to catch him but I took that fall alone quite a few times and I think you did too and we could probably compare scars, it fucking hurt. 

I’m glad he never hit you. I am so glad he never hurt you (if that really is the truth); but I won’t apologize for keeping us both safe with my decision. Even if you don’t think it happened, even if you don’t think he ever would have physically hurt you….. I had to err on the side of caution for both of us, and for the next girl. I truly feel like it was only a matter of time before he hurt someone again and it was going to be either me or you, darlin. I wasn’t willing to risk either of us, even for all of the days I loathed your existence and I’m sure you mine, I hope you never have to run from the man you love. I also have had enough insight into your guys’ relationship (I’m sorry but we both probably know more than we would like about the “other girl” here, it went on too long) to know that you may not have physically had to run but he’s hurt you, horribly hurt you, many many times. Sometimes with me, sometimes with his actions, his promises, his lies, sometimes in the horrible things he would say when he was angry…. Is it that hard to believe he is capable of physical violence after the words he’s gutted you with?

Be safe. Keep healing. Do whatever you have to to heal.  I’m not going to say “don’t take him back” because that is an entirely personal decision and god knows it took me a thousand times to finally decide I was done. Just know if you do take him back, move with caution. If you do take him back and he hurts you, it is not your fault. If you do take him back and he hurts you, run. If you do take him back, and you’re scared or need help out, you have a forever promise from me to help. 

I don’t think we’ll ever be friends, or acquaintances, or acknowledge each other’s existence if we run into each other…I think the immature part of me will always dislike you, and I’m pretty positive you feel the same… But if there was a contest for who knows [L] the best it would be you and me at the top, with [C] trying to play catch-up and use the “mom card”, and [M] coming way out of left field with some off the wall stories (sorry I got way to caught up in that analogy but with all the crazies in his life, myself included, just imagining that looks like a shit show). But the facts are he’s going to be out eventually, he’s going to test grounds again eventually, and that probably means going back to “home base” which is you. It makes my stomach twist a little but you’re “home” for him. So I’m sorry for the damage I’ve done. He’s a big boy, I can’t take responsibility for his actions but I’m sorry for them too. Heal as much as you can, and be as strong as you can be before you have to make that decision about him again. You’re stronger than I am. Stay safe.