The night [L] tried to kill me

**TRIGGER WARNING** This is a very graphic account of the worst night of abuse I survived. This is the night I struggle with the most, this is physical violence and can be very disturbing to read to anyone but especially to those who have lived with physical violence in the past. There are other posts where I explain why I stayed and other things without any explanations or depictions of physical violence. See “Trauma Bonding- Why I Stayed” if you would like to know more without the violence.

Trauma Bonding- Why I stayed

An unfinished post: trying to describe in a general way why I went back. In other posts I describe (or will describe) the circumstances around each individual decision and each separate time I went back, but with this I tried to just give a general overview of the similarities and some of the psychology behind why it was so hard to leave each time I did, and why I kept coming back.

EMDR-In case it works

This is a very very mis and under informed letter I wrote about EMDR therapy before I started the process. This was a very scary and manic time in my life when I was living in the deepest dark holes of my PTSD every day. This letter encompasses so much about that period I left it unedited except for the redacted names. It’s ugly and messy. It is in every way chaotic. So is my recovery. Again this is an open letter to my offender with no intent of ever being sent I use these to process my emotions at times surrounding my trauma bonds.

Bravery- an open letter

Letters I’ll never send have become a way of me confronting my abuser in a safe space. I don’t plan on him ever receiving these letters, so they’re a safe space for me to vent my unknown emotions and have a pseudo-connection while I’m still recovering from trauma bonds. This letter explores some changes going on with his status as well as a new found bravery I am clinging to.